Today, January 27st 2019 is and will always be a special day for me. Today I would have otherwise posted a blogpost or a picture with something like ´happy due date´ or maybe I would have already had a sweet baby in my life. However, none of that will be the case now as I have miscarried this baby in June 2018. That was a true low for me in the past year, but at the same time I felt so close to God that I can also say that it was a rather special time.
I think that there are (generally speaking) three kind of definitions to how you feel about your life: happy, unhappy and neutral. Because let’s face it, most of our days are not ‘amazing’ or ‘the worst’, they are just neutral. All three are super interesting to dig into but today I would like to look closer to the unhappy part of your life. Reality when growing up is that certain things will happen to you that no one could ever prepare you for. You probably had a certain image in your mind of what your future would look like and then things happen that totally screw up your image. Maybe you haven’t found a husband yet, you lost someone close to you or you are battling infertility. All of these things can take you down more than you ever imagined and in times like these, it can be incredibly hard to still trust in God and to see His plan for you. For me, this was losing the baby that we had prayed for. In this post I will write a bit about our loss as well as how to deal with this with God as close by as possible. Let’s dive in!
On Sunday May 27st of 2018 I woke up way earlier than I normally do. I could feel the nerves, had to pee and felt like I had to throw up. Teunis and I had agreed on taking a pregnancy test that day as I was five days overdue. I didn’t want to risk doing a test any earlier as I was not going to disappoint myself. See how I though here that I could be in control over my own happiness even the slightest bit? Well anyway, I took the test while Teunis was still asleep and planned on telling him whatever the outcome was during breakfast when he was fully awake and I could maybe tell Him in a fun way if I turned out to be pregnant. When I took the test, within less than ten seconds the second line appeared which indicated that I was pregnant. I first stared at it with disbelief and that started crying on the bathroom floor out of pure happiness. I completely forgot about the plan I just made and stormed into our bedroom to tell Teunis. That following week, we were so happy that every time we saw each other after work we looked at each other and started giggling, imagining what the future was going to look like for us. We were SO happy and thankful for what had happened to us.
Exactly one week later, on Sunday the 3rd of June we came home from church and I went to the bathroom. I immediately noticed a bit of blood in my underwear and panicked. Eventually I decided to call the emergency number of the obstetrician that was on their website and that they earlier that week told me to call when I thought I had to. I was clueless of what other options I had as we hadn’t told anybody yet except my best friend so we couldn’t really ask for advice. The women on the phone told me not to worry and that it happened more often and as long as it was ‘old’ there was really nothing to worry about. Of course from that moment on, worrying was all I did and when we came home from church that evening, it was also ´new´ blood and everything in me screamed that this was not going to end well. I was a hopeless mess and I cried all evening feeling horrible. The next day I had horrible cramps and could visit the obstetrician for a scan to see what was happening. At that point of the day when we had the scan, I had already lost the baby and was ‘clean’ and good to go, ready to mourn and eventually move on.
From that moment on, I have felt an emptiness inside of me that I have never known before. That emptiness can be dark and all consuming. It can pop up when you least expect it and it can ruin your whole day if you let it. However, I will never forget the words that came out of my mouth when we told people about our miscarriage and sometimes I still think about it now. After we told the whole story I said ‘well, at least we have a God to trust in and we know that He has our back. This was not our plan but His plan and even though we definitely don’t understand it know, I am still so happy that I can have faith that this is all for His purpose’. I also said something along the lines of: ‘imagine not believing in anything and this happened to you. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with it because it would have been purposeless’. I wish that all my days were filled with so much strength but unfortunately they are not. However I think I do have some tips on how to stay close to God during this hard or ‘unhappy’ times of our life.
First and most important tip: pray for His presence. The worst day with Him in your life is still going to be better than the best day without Him. We need Him in our lives, even when we think that we really don’t want Him anywhere close to us. I know my husband really struggled with this. He was angry and upset and didn’t want to understand why this had to happen to us. Eventually we prayed together about it. We told God we did not understand what He was doing but we also asked for our lives to go according to His plan and not ours. I know this is SO scary to do as His plan might mean so much more sadness and sorrow to come. But please remember, when He is with you, you will always have the strongest, most powerful God by your side and you get to be His precious child.
Something else that really helped me out is doing bible studies that had the theme ‘trust, hope, fear and patience’ for example. This way I got to read verses in the bible that gave me so much strength when I needed it the most. The bible is such a powerful tool, please never forget to use it in every situation of your life as God has made sure there is so much wisdom written down that you can learn from. This actually helped me the most next to praying and kept me close to Him and His word. A couple of verses that I really gained strength from are:
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
Last but not least, find people who love God and love you as well to talk to them about what you are going through. This way you can talk it out of your system, they can give you advice if needed or just listen and you know that God will strengthen this relationship when it is with one of His other children. Christian friends are really something that you need in hard times as they can help you as a friend, but they will most likely also understand your way of thinking better, they can give you bible supported advice and they can pray for you.
And that is it my loves, that is how I kept close to God during the harder parts of my life so far. I still do not always understand His plan, but as long as I know it is His path that I am walking on I know that I can rest assured that He will take care of me. Happy Sunday dear reader and if you ever need someone to talk to or to pray for you, you can always send me an e-mail or an Instagram message and I can and will be your friend.
Much love,
Marina
Comentários